A Touch of Grey ... Down There

Lean and muscled author rumored to have 12-pack

Best-selling author Blake Lockhart is gracing the cover of a major health magazine thanks to the effects of his new ab exercise program.

Considered by many to be an "exceptional specimen of manhood" (in the words of Duchess Kate), and "a tall drink of water to the eyes" (in the words of Scarlet Johansson), Lockhart has puzzled his adoring readers for years. The brilliant writer does not appear to exercise, eats fried food, guzzles brandy by the gallon, and sleeps up to 16 hours a day, yet he seems to be chiseled from stone. 

"It's one of the world's great mysteries, how you can daily eat your body weight in poutine and yet remain a stunning Adonis," said Dr. Oz. "We had a team of researchers examine Mr. Lockhart and they discovered what we believe to be the world's first '12-pack'. I'm talking about a rock hard, buff, sculpted, very well tanned 12-pack of muscle. We uncoiled his DNA strand by strand but could make no sense of it whatsoever. Whatever he's doing, I want some ..."

Lockhart, reached at his Virgin Island home, said he had just filed the trademark for the "Lockhart Maniac Ab Originator (LMAO)" which takes participants "through a series of different bending and stretching movements, you know, some of which require you to bring your fingers to your toes and stuff like that."

When asked if the LMAO was not simply a fancy and expensive (he is charging $300 per DVD online) version of the age-old sit-up, Lockhart scoffed and said, "this is high-tech human engineering and stuff, like orthodontics."

Visit www.GetRippedLikeLockhart.com

No more pennies? 

International author and thought leader Blake Lockhart today filed notice that he intends to fight the federal government of Canada on its phasing out of the penny. Lockhart said the move will virtually kill a means of sharing between strangers via the 'Take a Penny, Leave a Penny' dishes at cash registers.

"This is a cold, hard world we live in. The average person is selfish, ignorant, and self-obsessed. The 'Take-a-Penny, Leave-a-Penny' dish has long been a way for people to help out a complete stranger while remaining anonymous," Lockhart said from his Ottawa condo overlooking the Royal Canadian Mint. "The end of the penny means the world just got a whole lot colder. What's next for this mean-spirited government, mandatory seat belts in school buses?" 

Lockhart plans to contribute up to $2 million from his royalties for A Touch of Grey ... Down There (the best-selling love story of two seniors living in Florida) to fund a billboard and social media campaign called "Save The Penny, Save Society".

International best-selling author Blake Lockhart has thrown his name behind a campaign to ban wooden chopsticks after suffering a subcutaneous piercing at an all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant.

The 'No More Wood' campaign aims to get legislators to ban the sale and use of wooden chopsticks "due to the high risk of splinters and the potential for resulting infections," according to a campaign statement.

When reached for comment, Lockhart said he suffered a "terribly painful" splinter just a week ago while eating sushi. The incident prompted some soul-searching, the author said, during which he asked himself how he could use his fame and recognition to make the world a better place.

"Listen, there are plenty of alternatives to wood," Lockhart told a reporter from The Pulpman trade journal. "I just got myself a beautiful set of chopsticks whittled from rare elephant tusk. I also bought a set online that are supposed to be made from petrified whale penis. A really nice set made from polished rhino horn also caught my eye. You've got all sorts of material to make chopsticks from, so why do we continue to use wood? Are we an advanced society or what?"

The 'No More Wood' campaign is set to release a YouTube commercial featuring testimonials from stars like Bruce Jenner, the red-headed guy from Harry Potter, musical sensation Extreme, and many, many others.  

The company that produces Blake Lockhart's best-selling cologne, 'Rash', has been hit with a $150 million class action lawsuit by men who claim the product left them with "horribly itchy, painful, burning" rashes.

Duke Deeglar, a spokesman for Lockhart Scents LLP, said the box clearly indicates in small print on the bottom: "May cause skin irritation and/or facial peeling." 

"It's right there plain as day in size 3 font. We can't be any clearer than that," Deeglar said. "I mean, what do you want us to do, go around reading the bottom of the box to people?"

Investigative reporters tracked the manufacture of the product to a facility in northeast China. When asked about quality control issues, Blake Lockhart himself responded with the following email:

'It costs more to make stuff in North America ok? Here we've got the unions and you got the health benefits and minimum wage and what about all the vacations people want to take. So you get these other countries to make stuff and then sell it back to us. It means sometimes you get a fly in your soup, go sue me.'

When asked about the irony of a cologne called 'Rash' actually causing skin irritations, Lockhart thought for a moment, moving the ever-present toothpick from one side of his mouth to the other.

"Rash cologne is about a man being rash, you know? Like making rash decisions. If people want to read something into the fact a few hundred people have developed blisters on their cheeks, well there's nothing I can do about that. We live in a crazy world, don't we?"

(Hollywood, California) -- Warner Bros. today announced it has completed a multi-million dollar edit of the holiday classic, It's A Wonderful World, replacing Jimmy Stewart with acclaimed author Blake Lockhart. The re-edit required the expertise of a dozen film and graphic experts, some brought in from as far away as Toronto, Ontario, Canada. 

"We realize this film means a lot to people and that we have ventured into potentially contentious territory," said Warner CEO Mora Botox. "While we cannot discuss some details of the project as we are facing litigation from the Stewart family, we do feel confident that the general public will respond warmly to this modern take on a Christmas classic."

Lockhart, the author of the international best-seller A Touch of Grey ... Down There, said he fully expects his work to be ignored at the upcoming Academy Awards. 

"You try and film an entire movie standing in front of a green screen," Lockhart told TMZ. "Sure that guy who did The Matrix can do it, what's his face, the doe-eyed guy who looks like he's got about a 67 IQ ... anyway, it's not easy to summon emotion on command. But I did it, and I did it better than Jimmy Stewart. The Academy doesn't have the intestinal fortitude to stand up and say, yes, Lockhart did it better than Stewart."